Busy times

Well we've all been through the runner, here.

About 2 weeks ago, Hannah got diagnosed with her first ear infection. She was put on antibiotics for a couple days and all seemed fine. Then that weekend she spiked a high fever and was miserable. Turns out she had a throat infection too. One shot at the pediatrician made her better, though! Then a few days later, I caught an eye infection and the flu. Finally, we are all healthy.

Almost.

TMI, but I am still bleeding from my miscarriage. Yes, 6.5 weeks later it's still going on. I thought it was AF, but I just don't know. My OB wants me to redo my blood work to check my hcg levels and make sure my iron isn't too low. I also have to do an ultrasound and have a follow-up visit. My appointment is on Tuesday. I'm nervous. It could be anything from an infection to remaining tissue to a hormonal imbalance to Lord knows what else.

She finally showed her ugly face

AF did, that is.

And now we can possibly begin the road of TTC again. I've been waiting for this for over a month and now that it's so soon, I'm starting to get scared. Scared that maybe we'll miscarry again or that it will take a long time. I'm trying to trust and pray that God knows best. He knows what to do. ::Sigh:: I always knew about the high risk of miscarriage, but I have now completely lost any naivete about pregnancy. There will always be that fear of spotting or just not feeling right.

Shall we lighten the mood a bit?



We didn't go trick or treating because it was a bit cold that night. Instead we dressed her up and had her look cute by the door!

I think it's time for another Bump break.

I stopped going on that site for about 2 weeks. I went back on and only would go on for about 10 minutes every few days. Fine by me.

Then it increased. Now I'm starting to want to be on it for 1 hour+ each day. Not the best idea. I think it's time to stop again-maybe for at least 3 weeks this time.

Hannah has had such a language explosion! She now says ball, baby, Jesus, Papa, mama, dada, duck ("guck"), and maybe a couple of other words. It is so cute to see her point to Jesus in her Bible stories and say "Jees." Love it!

I am still anxiously awaiting the chance to get pregnant again. The loss doesn't sting as much as it did, but I am looking forward to moving on. I thought I was getting AF today, but I'm 99% sure it was just more bleeding. My hcg levels were are 17 as of yesterday. I was hoping they'd be at zero, but hopefully they will be by next week.

Laziest person ever

That's me.

I swear all I do is spend time on the computer.

Anyways, time for some updates:

Hannah news: She is saying so many more words. It's been a complete word explosion in the last few weeks. She now says ball, baby, papa, Jesus, lunch, and of course mama and dada. She's getting really good at climbing up and down the stairs and she kisses everything. It's so cute!

My miscarriage recovery is going well. My beta hcg levels were at 31,000 when I went to the ER on Sept 25th. As of Thursday, they were at 81. I'm happy with the relatively rapid decline. I'm anxious for AF for get here so we can restart the process of TTC.

Dave and I are also doing well. With him working more morning shifts, we've have some extra time together in the evenings. I think it helps me feel a bit more connected, for which I am grateful.

Rambling

I've had a lot of thoughts and emotions rolling through my head lately, and I'm going to attempt to make a coherent post.

1. I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. Or should be. I feel like I'm mourning a pregnancy that didn't work. I'm sad that our pregnancy wasn't viable, and I wish it didn't happen. But I don't feel like I'm grieving someone's death. Knowing that a baby never developed is really helping me come to terms with this loss.

2. There are things that still make the miscarriage "hit" me, so to speak. Like reading Bill and Guilliana Rancic's story of IVF then miscarriage. I nearly cried reading that article because pregnancy loss sucks enough without having to need fertility treatments to get there in the first place. We are forever grateful and blessed to have high mutual fertility. And a quote I read today nearly made me lose it: "Lord, I would have loved a chance to sit my baby on my lap and tell him about You. I didn't get a chance, so would you sit him on Your lap and tell him about me?" I'm not sure how Biblical it is, but it affected me all the same.

3. I want to get pregnant again. Soon. Right now we plan on waiting for AF to arrive and then going from there. We're trying to weigh doctor's advice with an overwhelming Godly desire to create life again.

More thoughts on the miscarriage

One of the many things this miscarriage has taught me is not to avoid TTC for stupid reasons.

I do really want to wait a year between full term pregnancies. I think it's healthier for me and baby, though I understand why others choose differently. And I get waiting if you really just can't afford another, though we are doing well financially. Thank God!

However, I used to say things like "I want a spring or summer baby. I don't want to be stuck at home all winter with a newborn and fall birthdays are complicated with when to send them to kindergarten." Ridiculous. Now I honestly don't care when another baby comes. I just want a healthy baby and whether it's in October or July isn't really that big of an issue. I also don't care how it affects work. If I can get pregnant with an August baby, I'll have to miss the first month of school. Oh well. There are more important things.

I was right

Though I wish I wasn't.

After some bleeding this weekend, I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. So even though I should be 9 weeks, at 6 weeks something went wrong. Biology didn't happen the way it should and no baby developed. Just a gestational sac.

I am really trying to see the silver lining. At least there wasn't a baby that died. God knows best. This wasn't the baby that was supposed to join our family. It doesn't help though that I got it confirmed on my birthday.

I need to take Cytotec this weekend to pass everything. It should take roughly 24 hours then I go back next week to make sure everything went okay. I also need to get weekly blood draws until my body realizes it isn't pregnant anymore. I was told to wait 3 cycles before trying again, but I'm not waiting that long.