Perpetual State of Waiting

I'm whining, I know.

Really though, I feel like I'm waiting for so many things.

-My hcg levels to go down to 0
-AF to arrive
-TTC again
-Getting pregnant
-Dave leaving his job

I am trying so hard to be patient, and I honestly feel like my heart has been more trusting in the Lord. I think I'm just so anxious for those events to occur that I think about them frequently.

One of the shining spots in life is that Hannah is such a joy right now. She's been a bit cranky about going to bed but I hope it's just a short term phase. She recently learned how to blow kisses, and it's just about the cutest thing she's ever done.

We've been reading a chapter of Proverbs aloud during snack time every day too. I know she doesn't understand what it means but I think it's important to expose her to Bible principles and verses at a young age. I want her to grow up familiar with the terms and lessons within. After we read, we also pray which I think is so important for Hannah to see and for us to do as a family.

I think it's time for another Bump break.

I stopped going on that site for about 2 weeks. I went back on and only would go on for about 10 minutes every few days. Fine by me.

Then it increased. Now I'm starting to want to be on it for 1 hour+ each day. Not the best idea. I think it's time to stop again-maybe for at least 3 weeks this time.

Hannah has had such a language explosion! She now says ball, baby, Jesus, Papa, mama, dada, duck ("guck"), and maybe a couple of other words. It is so cute to see her point to Jesus in her Bible stories and say "Jees." Love it!

I am still anxiously awaiting the chance to get pregnant again. The loss doesn't sting as much as it did, but I am looking forward to moving on. I thought I was getting AF today, but I'm 99% sure it was just more bleeding. My hcg levels were are 17 as of yesterday. I was hoping they'd be at zero, but hopefully they will be by next week.

Laziest person ever

That's me.

I swear all I do is spend time on the computer.

Anyways, time for some updates:

Hannah news: She is saying so many more words. It's been a complete word explosion in the last few weeks. She now says ball, baby, papa, Jesus, lunch, and of course mama and dada. She's getting really good at climbing up and down the stairs and she kisses everything. It's so cute!

My miscarriage recovery is going well. My beta hcg levels were at 31,000 when I went to the ER on Sept 25th. As of Thursday, they were at 81. I'm happy with the relatively rapid decline. I'm anxious for AF for get here so we can restart the process of TTC.

Dave and I are also doing well. With him working more morning shifts, we've have some extra time together in the evenings. I think it helps me feel a bit more connected, for which I am grateful.

Impatience

Throughout the last few weeks, my church has been doing a series on sins that are "not that bad" Sins like anxiety and impatience.

Impatience. Now there is one I struggle with.



That picture? That is exactly how I'm feeling on several occasions. I get so impatient with slow drivers, or getting lost, or not being able to find a place to park. I get impatient with the internet and things not working the way I think they should.

I'm paraphrasing here, but our pastor created a working definition of impatience that goes something like this: Feeling very annoyed by the perceived faults and failures of others. That's me. And that's sin.

My goal this week will be to pray when I start to feel impatience. Specifically, to pray for those to whom I am so impatient. And to remember this verse:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3-4

Rambling

I've had a lot of thoughts and emotions rolling through my head lately, and I'm going to attempt to make a coherent post.

1. I'm not as sad as I thought I would be. Or should be. I feel like I'm mourning a pregnancy that didn't work. I'm sad that our pregnancy wasn't viable, and I wish it didn't happen. But I don't feel like I'm grieving someone's death. Knowing that a baby never developed is really helping me come to terms with this loss.

2. There are things that still make the miscarriage "hit" me, so to speak. Like reading Bill and Guilliana Rancic's story of IVF then miscarriage. I nearly cried reading that article because pregnancy loss sucks enough without having to need fertility treatments to get there in the first place. We are forever grateful and blessed to have high mutual fertility. And a quote I read today nearly made me lose it: "Lord, I would have loved a chance to sit my baby on my lap and tell him about You. I didn't get a chance, so would you sit him on Your lap and tell him about me?" I'm not sure how Biblical it is, but it affected me all the same.

3. I want to get pregnant again. Soon. Right now we plan on waiting for AF to arrive and then going from there. We're trying to weigh doctor's advice with an overwhelming Godly desire to create life again.