Tuesday, September 28, 2010

More thoughts on the miscarriage

One of the many things this miscarriage has taught me is not to avoid TTC for stupid reasons.

I do really want to wait a year between full term pregnancies. I think it's healthier for me and baby, though I understand why others choose differently. And I get waiting if you really just can't afford another, though we are doing well financially. Thank God!

However, I used to say things like "I want a spring or summer baby. I don't want to be stuck at home all winter with a newborn and fall birthdays are complicated with when to send them to kindergarten." Ridiculous. Now I honestly don't care when another baby comes. I just want a healthy baby and whether it's in October or July isn't really that big of an issue. I also don't care how it affects work. If I can get pregnant with an August baby, I'll have to miss the first month of school. Oh well. There are more important things.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I was right

Though I wish I wasn't.

After some bleeding this weekend, I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. So even though I should be 9 weeks, at 6 weeks something went wrong. Biology didn't happen the way it should and no baby developed. Just a gestational sac.

I am really trying to see the silver lining. At least there wasn't a baby that died. God knows best. This wasn't the baby that was supposed to join our family. It doesn't help though that I got it confirmed on my birthday.

I need to take Cytotec this weekend to pass everything. It should take roughly 24 hours then I go back next week to make sure everything went okay. I also need to get weekly blood draws until my body realizes it isn't pregnant anymore. I was told to wait 3 cycles before trying again, but I'm not waiting that long.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Okay I'm just going to say it

I don't have a good feeling about this pregnancy. And that scares me. A lot.

When I was in my first trimester with Hannah, I was nervous about miscarrying for the first couple weeks after finding out. But by week 7 I started getting so sick that I was just focusing on not throwing up all day long. Plus the obvious pregnancy symptoms helps reassure me that things were coming along as they should. Even when the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler at the 12 week appointment, I still knew everything was fine. And as the ultrasound indicated, everything was.

This time I just don't have that "all is well" feeling. My symptoms are way less this time around. I have had a couple bouts of nausea and some food aversion, but that's it. I'm 9 weeks today. And I just don't feel as confident. Maybe it's because I know so many women who miscarried on second pregnancies and with joining mommy message boards I've been exposed to so many miscarriage stories. I'm hoping it's just those getting in my head and not my body's way of telling me something.

I guess all I can say is that if April comes around and I'm holding a beautiful baby boy or girl, I will be elated. So joyful and blessed. But if this pregnancy ends, I will grieve and mourn but know that I had that feeling all along...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

What is God's calling for me?

That is a question I've been wrestling with a bit lately.

I know God has given me the following gifts and desires:

-To be a wife and mother
-To know and apply Scripture
-To work with young children

And I know these things are all glorifying to God. But I don't know exactly how to use these skills to further His kingdom.

This post likely won't make much sense because I'm still trying to figure this out myself. Let's put it this way, things were much different when I was involved with college ministry. Back then I was dating and engaged to Dave, but we weren't married yet. I didn't have the responsibilities that come with marriage. And I definitely didn't have any kids to take care of! So back then I could attend 2-3 Bible studies a week plus Sunday service. I was getting together with friends and frequently giving Scriptural advice. It's at that time I realized God had given me a unique ability to recall Bible verses and use them to advise and encourage others.

The main point is that when I was in college, I was working for God's kingdom in a very tangible way. I don't feel that way much right now. I do have our couple's life group where we help each other, and it really is a blessing. But ministering as a mother is very different than ministering to college students. I can read Bible stories to Hannah and pray with her, but it's not the same as guiding 18-22 year old women through the Bible in face of our culture's opposition to it.

I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to work for God in this stage of my life. In the years of pregnancy and caring for young children both at work and at home. I want to live my life so that God tells me "Well done, good and faithful servant". Not as one merely escaping the flames.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I still feel fine

I'm bracing myself, but I really don't feel that sick. Let's hope this lasts!

In other news, two of my friends have had babies in the last few days. There are so many newborn pictures on Facebook that I can hardly stand it. I'm about 33 weeks from my due date, but my heart aches to hold my own baby.

Hannah has been on and off the last couple days. She does a lot of cute things. Her new word is "yuck". So she puts things in her mouth and says, "yuck". The funniest was when she stuck her toe in her mouth and said it. I imagine sucking on your toes when you've been walking around all day wouldn't be too tasty!

On the other hand, she's been a bit whinier and clingier than normal. I'm not sure if this is just a developmental phase or if it's related to the molars I think she is getting. She's also got a runny nose and lots of drool. Fun times for all!

Oh and 2 weeks until my birthday!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It's that weird time

That time in pregnancy when you're expecting the all-day, soul-crushing nausea to rear its ugly head. I am about 6.5 weeks along, and last time the sickness came in full force at 7 weeks. I was invited by MIL to go up to her cottage this weekend with Hannah, but I'm not sure I'll be going. I'm already starting to feel kind of blah, and I REALLY don't want to be sick the whole weekend in an unfamiliar house. We'll see.

School started today, and it went really well. We only have 6 kids, but I'm really hoping more sign up. I'm starting to get frustrated with our frequent low numbers. I don't know if it's because we're only half days, our classroom is small, we don't market it well, or what. At least I get paid the same regardless of number of kids!

Hannah is doing awesome. She likes to wear my glasses:

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Today is the first day

of our new budget system.

We have our expected expenses listed out. We've got the envelopes and spots for our receipts. We are ready to have a greater understanding of where our money is going.

Instead of getting our credit card statements and saying "What?!? How did we spend over $1000 this month?!"

I really, really hope it goes well. This is basically a trial run to see how it works. We can always tweak if needed. We're watching this series from Life Church called "Mind Your Own Business" that's all about financial responsibility. It's helping us stay focused and motivated.

In other news, Hannah is adorable. Seriously, she talks in jargon and it is hilarious! I can't believe how much I am enjoying this young toddler phase. She's so sweet and wants to read books all day long.

I feel like I have been 5 weeks pregnant forever. I don't know how things are dragging so soon into this, but I hope that changes soon.